Final yr, I made the daring option to run for mayor of New York Metropolis. Whereas I finally gained the race by a landslide, many individuals unfold vicious rumors about my household and me, certainly one of which was that I lived half time in New Jersey.
So, let me lastly put these rumors to relaxation as soon as and for all: I positively do dwell in New Jersey. And thank God I do! New York Metropolis is fucking insane. Significantly, I simply don’t perceive the way you all do it.
It’s not that I don’t love New York Metropolis as a spot, however I positive as hell am not going to dwell there 24 hours a day, seven days per week, one year a yr. I genuinely do get pleasure from visiting the town for work or for pleasure, however as your mayor, let me guarantee you, the very last thing I’d ever wish to do is waste all of my valuable money and time there.
Some folks will say New York Metropolis is the best metropolis on Earth. And to them, I say, they’re proper! However every little thing moderately. There’s simply a lot disgusting rubbish, dusty building, and loud-ass honking. Ew. God. I get sick to my abdomen simply desirous about it.
Sure, you get thrilling issues like Broadway, 5-star eating places, and a fully breathtaking skyline, however for what? Let me inform you, I’d decide my clear, protected, New Jersey home any day of the week. No contest. Case closed. Finished. Finito.
The reality is, I’m not 18 anymore. Possibly it was enjoyable to dwell in a spot like New York Metropolis once I was youthful, however as your mayor, I’ll be the primary to inform you that the thrill of the hustle and bustle actually loses its allure. Simply wait till you’re my age. You’ll see!
Riddle me this. Why would I wish to dwell in some crappy one-bedroom, $1 million shoe field in New York Metropolis? For that value, why would you not simply take a fast, simple, and clear prepare throughout the river and purchase your self a beautiful mansion? It’s one hour away! Only one hour! That’s nothing!
Plus, the folks! Everyone seems to be so goddamn imply in New York Metropolis. And I ought to know. I talked to these assholes quite a bit earlier than they elected me.
Significantly, because the mayor of New York Metropolis, you couldn’t pay me sufficient to dwell right here. Not solely is it soiled, but it surely’s simply plain unsafe. The place is filthy, and crime is uncontrolled! No means I’m strolling round by myself at evening, or occurring the subway and getting mugged or shot.
However hey, that’s your downside, not mine. You waste your life in that hellhole. No, thanks!
Look. I used to be such as you as soon as, so I get it. You like your bodega man. You like your bagel sandwich. You like the odor of scorching rubbish in the summertime. However is it actually value it? Frankly, if I have been you, I’d get the hell out of there on the primary prepare I might.
And you realize what? I did! And I've by no means as soon as regretted it. So I’ll see you subsequent week, New York Metropolis, once I take the prepare in for work!