Subota, 1 Oktobra, 2022
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Our Intern Is Being Pressured Into A Starvation Strike Till Twitter Lifts Our Ban


Image for article titled BREAKING: Our Intern Is Being Forced Into A Hunger Strike Until Twitter Lifts Our Ban

CHICAGO—In accordance with the fantastic print in his contract, The Onion’s intern Sam Kotson was compelled right into a starvation strike Thursday, a protest that can proceed till Twitter lifts our ban. “As of this morning, our low-level unpaid intern will probably be forcibly compelled to forgo all meals till Twitter ends its malignant marketing campaign of censorship and reinstates The Onion’s account,” stated Onion HR consultant Elina Haskett, explaining that Kotson, who had been handcuffed and shackled to a forged iron pipe, could be required to abstain from water along with meals at some stage in the Twitter ban. “We now have used ipecac to induce vomiting, making certain that the intern begins off from a baseline of no meals in his abdomen. Quickly, that very same abdomen will start to digest itself in a determined try and eat one thing, something to stave off assured hunger. We hope Twitter does the suitable factor and revokes the ban on our account earlier than one thing tragic occurs.” At press time, our intern’s fragile life was reportedly within the fingers of Twitter’s board of administrators.



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