CHAMPAIGN, IL—After failing to establish the authorized proprietor inside the usual 90 days, police officers introduced Thursday that they might permit a neighborhood jogger to maintain the physique she discovered since nobody claimed it. “We held it in misplaced and located for the obligatory ready interval, however nobody turned as much as declare it and even reported it lacking,” mentioned Chief of Police Dan Michaelson of the rotting Jane Doe corpse that had been tossed within the humid proof locker for practically three months, informing the jogger that it was all hers now if she nonetheless needed it. “Most individuals who discover one thing this worthwhile would have stolen it—or at the very least stored just a few entrails for themselves. We get a whole lot of these which might be utterly empty inside by the point they’re turned in, in the event that they’re introduced in in any respect. In order a token of our appreciation for being a very good Samaritan, we wish to formally give you possession of this putrid torso that has been largely eaten by maggots. You earned it.” Michaelson went on to reward the jogger’s endurance with the bureaucratic course of with a free merchandise from the station’s free limb bin.
