DALLAS—Neither daring nor dedicated sufficient to enact true environmental change, native chickenshit Anthony Stanback determined Tuesday that as a substitute of blowing up an oil refinery, he would attempt to eat extra regionally sourced meals. “I assume it wouldn’t harm to start out hitting up the farmers market extra usually,” stated the 31-year-old detestable coward, who was far too weak-willed to strap a bomb to his chest, drive by means of the night time to the closest petroleum plant, and obliterate the infrastructure answerable for the destruction of the atmosphere. “I can barely bear in mind to convey my very own tote baggage to the grocery retailer. How am I going to be taught to construct a bomb? I might be part of a CSA, although. It’d be good to get some native honey. Or, you understand what, it’s going to be laborious consuming all that contemporary produce, so perhaps I’ll simply see what native manufacturers are at Complete Meals.” At press time, Stanback had bought a reusable water bottle in addition to a sniper rifle for taking out at the very least a pair executives.