Srijeda, 22 Marta, 2023
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Mondays | Mulligans | Mugs

I don’t hate Mondays. Aside from Saturday, which is the day of days, for my part, each different day of the week is equally deserving of affection and/or scorn. However once I looked for a Monday-related image for this submit, I noticed three sorts of photographs: Monday-hate, inspirational messages that aren’t all that inspiring, and photographs of espresso. If an alien got here to Earth and consulted a inventory photograph library to grasp the which means of Monday, they’d surmise that people hate Mondays a lot that we want bromides and caffeine simply to face the week. Truly, possibly that’s true for a few of us.

However like I stated, I’ve bought zero beef with Mondays. I like Mondays as a result of Mondays are once I draft the Wednesday submit that you just’re at the moment studying.

As I write these phrases, I’m on the point of fly to Las Vegas, pick-up my mother, aka “Gayle,” aka the scourge of the Scenario Regular feedback part, and drive her again to Los Angeles. However by the point you learn this submit it’ll be Wednesday, aka hump day, and I’ll be again in Los Angeles with my mother, aka “Gayle,” aka the scourge of the Scenario Regular feedback part. Then the next week, I’ll repeat this course of in reverse to carry my mother, aka “Gayle,” aka the scourge of the Scenario Regular feedback part again to her dwelling in Las Vegas.

Technically, you don’t must know any of this. However I point out my upcoming journey schedule as a result of one in every of lately you’ll most likely see a narrative about highway journeys with my mother, aka “Gayle,” aka the scourge of the Scenario Regular feedback part. However the first spherical of these potential highway journey tales, which could not truly materialize, will probably be within the proverbial rearview mirror by the point you learn this submit on Wednesday.

What does this glimpse into the scheduling complications of the web’s 57th finest humor e-newsletter should do with Mondays? Not a lot. However it's a likelihood for me to let you know that whereas I inform tales from my life, these tales typically come to you out of order. Life generally will get in the way in which of writing about life.

Is all of that life getting in the way in which of writing about life stuff too meta? Most likely. Nevertheless it’s Monday Wednesday, and with a spherical of flying and driving forward of behind me, and one other spherical after that, plus numerous tales that will, or might not, happen, I’m asking the scenario normie neighborhood to be affected person with me and any errors, fuck-ups, or scheduling snafus. Additionally, welcome to my very own non-public model of March Insanity.

Not too long ago, I shared the primary profile in Scenario Regular historical past. Sadly, in reporting that piece I made the largest mistake journalism has seen since a Chicago Each day Tribune headline incorrectly known as the 1948 Presidential election for Thomas “Screw the Library of Congress Classification” Dewey.

Harry Truman defeated Thomas E. Dewey, then canceled the White Home subscription to the Chicago Each day Tribune as a result of it “sucks butt.”

My mistake, in response to a number of scenario normies who spoke up within the feedback part, was that I did not ask Sophia Locke any follow-up questions on “Vase Dude.”

Who was Vase Dude, and what was his deal? We don’t know as a result of I blew it. What we do know is that Vase Dude paid Sophia Locke to fake that her arm was caught in a tiny vase. Apparently, this fantasy gave him monumental sexual satisfaction. Or, as Dennard Dayle put it: “That man is having fun with a less complicated, clearer love life than the remainder of us. Perhaps a less complicated life generally.”

Elite journalists would ignore this type of mistake and gaslight anybody who cries foul. Severe journalists would print a correction. However for the reason that journalism I apply at Scenario Regular is neither elite nor critical, I’m taking a mulligan.

I’ve reached out to Sophia’s PR man to see if she’d be prepared to reply just a few comply with up questions on Vase Dude. Within the meantime, scenario normies, please take one other take a look at Vase Dude, and go away your questions for Sophia within the feedback.

Time to pay some money owed I can’t actually repay. Bringing you humorous tales each week takes time, and because the saying goes, time is cash. That’s why I’m so appreciative of the scenario normies who help my work and subsidize the laughter this neighborhood enjoys. This week’s superior scenario normies are:

  • Jen Zug, who informed me she was glad to have discovered the Comedic Private Essay Universe (CPEU™️) right here on Substack when she signed up for a month-to-month Scenario Regular subscription. Thanks, Jen, and welcome to the CPEU!

  • Peter M., who I don’t know something about, however who nonetheless looks like a genius as a result of he had the smarts to purchase a month-to-month Scenario Regular subscription. Thanks, Peter!

  • Joel & Lynne, who're expensive pals and who've all the time inspired me to share my tales with a wider viewers. Thanks for signing up for an annual Scenario Regular subscription, Joel and Lynne!

I drink two cups of espresso a day. I’m not happy with this truth, nor am I ashamed of it. I like espresso, and I like the thrill I get from consuming espresso. I additionally like gathering espresso mugs. So once I noticed that Andrea C Neil, a scenario normie who writes The Factor About That Factor, has a daily characteristic the place she analyzes a photograph of your espresso mug, I needed to get in on the motion. Right here’s the photograph I despatched Andrea👇

Right here’s Andrea’s very amusing evaluation. And sure, Andrea, you're appropriate, that mug options Nicolas Cage’s mug. I really like Cage all the way in which again to his Nicolas Coppola days, which was his display credit score in Quick Occasions at Ridgemont Excessive.

Final Sunday, I wrote a few very awkward flirtation I had on the yoga studio, which led to a bigger exploration of the dad bod phenomenon and the web’s favourite daddy, Pedro Pascal. You possibly can learn that story (and see an image of me rocking Burt Reynolds pose) right here. Then do your self a favor and dive into the hilarious and insightful feedback left by the scenario normie neighborhood.

I’m obsessive about synthetic intelligence. And by obsessed, I imply I’m normally down to observe Terminator, or higher but T2, I’m all the time up for speaking about Skynet conditions with web randos, and I can’t cease fucking round with ChatGTP, even when that fucking round is inflicting waves within the CPEU.

Not too long ago, scenario normie Meg Oolders, who writes Inventory Fiction and who created the incredible Presidential Mustache graphic, requested me to ask ChatGTP a query impressed by a Heavy D music. It was a great query, however I’m not so positive concerning the reply. Sorry, Meg, I attempted. However simply so I wouldn’t get slammed within the feedback, I did ask ChatGTP a follow-up query.

You recognize the drill. I’ve bought questions, you’ve bought solutions.

  1. Are anti-Monday? Inform me why you don’t like Mondays. Or, are you pro-Monday?

  2. How do you are taking your espresso, assuming you are taking espresso in any respect?

  3. Nicholas Cage solely makes two varieties of films: nice movies and movies which might be so dangerous they’re good. Focus on & please cite examples.

  4. What else ought to I ask ChatGTP? Music solutions solely.

  5. What are your Vase Dude questions?

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