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Whereas it’s widespread information that residents have little or no affect on elected officers, The Onion requested U.S. politicians how their constituents really feel a couple of ceasefire in Gaza, and that is what they stated.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)
“A stop what? I’ve by no means heard that phrase in my life.”
Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA)
“My constituents routinely vote in favor of getting blood on our fingers.”
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
“Does AIPAC rely as a constituent?”
Vice President Kamala Harris
“Am I a politician? Gee, that’s flattering.”
Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY)
“Yet one more phrase a couple of ceasefire, and I’m ordering Israel to bomb south Brooklyn.”
Sen. Mitt Romney (R-UT)
“Oh, whereas I’m at work the nanny is the one who takes care of the constituents.”
Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ)
“My constituents know I've been calling for a cease-ceasefire since day one.”
Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME)
“Representatives are public servants. Which means it’s my job to hearken to what my constituents should say, internalize it, after which do no matter I would like.”
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
“I've genuinely not considered one other human being since 1998.”
Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC)
“After I obtained elected in 2014, my marketing campaign pitch was ‘You wanna see a lifeless physique?’”
Gov. Gavin Newsom Of California
“Constituents…constituents… Oh, you imply the blurred shapes I generally see earlier than meetups with donors?”
Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR)
“Hmm… What is that this ‘really feel’?”
Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-IL)
“My Illinois colleague Dick Durbin, who known as for a ceasefire, clearly has totally different constituents than I do.”
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
“I don’t know. I can’t hear frequencies popping out of the mouths of people that make beneath $400k.”
Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX)
“They elected me to kill folks, in order that’s what I’m gonna do.”
Rep. Ken Calvert (R-CA)
“I've however one constituent, and their identify is Lockheed Martin.”
Gov. Kathy Hochul Of New York
“I do know what they need. I simply assume they're silly and don’t respect them. Make sense?”
Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-AL)
“A ceasefire is a sacred bond between one man and one girl. The rest is a sin.”
Former President Barack Obama
“No constituents anymore, motherfuckers! You folks can’t goddamn contact me! I can say regardless of the hell I would like. Fuck all of you!”
Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA)
“My time period doesn’t expire till 2068.”
Sen. John Hickenlooper (D-CO)
“Constituents? Oh, do you imply cash? The cash says to burn it to the bottom.”
Sen. J.D. Vance (R-OH)
“I assume all my constituents had been additionally given a full trip by the Federalist Society.”
Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ)
“We regularly take into consideration others a lot that we overlook to consider our personal emotions. The query is, do I desire a ceasefire?”
Gov. Greg Abbott Of Texas
“Most of my constituents are weapons, and so they love firing. It’s the equal of orgasm to them.”
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