I didn’t write about this final month as a result of I used to be coping with a melancholy that made me unable to place the correct phrases to issues however I’m feeling like I’m popping out of the darkish now (KNOCK ALL OF THE WOOD) so now I can inform you that my physique is attempting to kill me, however extremely slowly…which might be simply the pure technique of getting older, now that I give it some thought?
Anyway, I used to be attempting very onerous to make good selections so I went to the physician and he was like, “You'll want to see some specialists and in addition eat extra high-fiber greens and fewer meat” and an hour later – following his recommendation and making good selections – I broke a tooth consuming a fucking kale salad.
My good friend Vicky was like, “Bizarre. Did you therapeutic massage the kale first?” and I stated “no” as a result of what?
Apparently kale is of course powerful and you're presupposed to therapeutic massage it earlier than consuming it to interrupt down the fibers however it appears ridiculous to drive me to provide an intimate therapeutic massage to one thing I don’t even like, and in addition, I assumed the fiber was the entire level of why I used to be having to eat it within the first place? So principally I've to pamper one thing that tastes like dust or it breaks all of my tooth, which feels weirdly abusive and 100% the alternative of how well being meals is meant to work.
Then I went to my optometrist and she or he was like, “You want pc glasses” and I used to be like, “YOU NEED COMPUTER GLASSES” after which I noticed she wasn’t insulting me and she or he made me get these particular glasses for studying and dealing however they've this bizarre distortion and each time I transfer my head it appears like I’m on a ship and now I’m getting carsick simply scripting this. She additionally stated that I ought to return to my physician and have him examine me for Sjogren’s Syndrome and Graves Illness and people each sound dangerous and in addition probably like one thing I’ve already examined optimistic for as a result of I actually have so many illnesses and issues that I can’t even hold monitor of them. And I ought to completely get examined for them and that’s why I’m scripting this down so I bear in mind to finally however I’m at that house the place I've no power. Additionally, I understand that possibly I've no power due to a kind of illnesses I’m too drained to get examined for and am principally my very own worst enemy.
In my protection although, I did go the dentist, optometrist, arthritis physician, psych physician, common physician after which my common physician was like, “I would like you to see a dermatologist due to these discolorations in your face” and the dermatologist was like, “Oh, it’s simply melasma however you even have a scary trying mole right here and possibly we minimize that off instantly to examine it?” and he did after which referred to as me and was like, “Nicely, it’s pre-cancerous” and I used to be like, “Superior!” as a result of I assumed my entire physique was pre-cancerous as a result of which means “earlier than most cancers” and that sounds good, however he was like, “Probably not ‘superior‘, exactly. However actually superior we acquired it off as a result of it positively would have turned cancerous and you should come again in so we will make sure that we acquired all of it off and it isn’t rising again as a result of whether it is we could have to do one thing else.” This sounded evenly threatening so I handled it by not desirous about all of it till each night time from 1am to 4am once I thought of nothing else.
BUT! I simply acquired again from the dermatologist and he stated it seems to be prefer it’s therapeutic properly and never rising again but so I'm respiratory a tentative sigh of reduction till 1am when I'll persuade myself that my dermatologist was drunk or that he wants pc glasses.
So lengthy story quick, kale will kill you, pc glasses are for the birds, SPF 15 just isn't acceptable based on my physician and all of you should go get your moles checked as a result of I actually didn’t even know this was a factor I used to be presupposed to do till now. Additionally, somebody please remind me to get checked for that different junk finally as a result of I want a number of weeks to get better from all of this pleasure.
PS. They gave me some pores and skin bleaching creme for my melasma however it isn’t completely working so as a substitute possibly I’ll simply push all of my hair to the entrance to cowl my proper cheek after which cowl my left one with a face tattoo or a extra manageable canine who understands instructions like, “cease wiggling and perch on my shoulder like an excellent woman.” If you happen to see me in public, please be assured that it isn't dust and that I'm now evenly regretting the truth that lipstick is the one make-up I ever discovered tips on how to use.
PPS. I didn’t dye my hair blonde. I truly dye it brown a number of occasions a 12 months however the again by no means takes so it’s brown-grey within the entrance and blonde-grey within the again for no motive in any respect. Even my hair can’t get it collectively.